in like a lion

The past 2 months have been the worst of my life. I’ve lost friends, I’ve worked non-stop, and through all of this I’ve lost myself.

I came back to school at the beginning of January and the first weekend back everything in my life seemed to fall apart, and of course I had to work the entire weekend so I had no time to deal with anything. It’s just gotten worse from there. It’s been one thing after another and I feel like I haven’t had a break in months.

I’ve been running a marathon and the finish line is still not in sight.

I don’t write this to vent, or in search of sympathy or empathy. In fact I am sick of people checking up on me and telling me how they’ve felt the same, or how they feel sorry for me. I’m not some pity case. I know they mean well, but when I have 50 things to do in one day, 6 phone calls from concerned family and friends really slows me down and stresses me out.

The reason I am writing this is because I want to declare that I am turning over a new leaf. I’m letting go of the negative, of the drama, the former friends, the hurt, the pain, all of it. I can’t hold on to the past, look to the future and manage the present.

March has come like a lion. The weather decided to exhibit this today by snowing for me… But just like the snow will melt, the pain will fade. It’s time to hold onto spring, to let go of my winter. To find new friends, to make new promises, to finally be happy.

I lost myself in the drudgery of repetition. I used to be very spontaneous, but I haven’t had time for it. Tonight I refound part of myself by making some new friends. I was outgoing and social- the me who hasn’t wanted to come out for months. I’ve been quiet and dark, I’ve kept to myself. But just because I can’t trust some friends, doesn’t mean I have to give up on everyone.

My favoite band, The Format, recently broke up– a small part of my bad few months. I’ve been listening to their old albums the past few weeks. So I’m taking their lyrics as my new motto-

“It’s time to get out of the desert and into the sun, even if it’s alone”

Mormonism 101

I was just doing a little browsing of blogs and I saw some about Mitt Romney that really bothered me. So I thought I’d vent a little before going to bed.

I didn’t think I’d ever really use this blog to discuss religion but here goes. I am a Mormon.

Now I’m going to try and clear up some misunderstandings:

1-Mormons are not Christian- The full name of my church is “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints”. If we weren’t Christian why would we put the name of Christ in our church? Our faith is centered on Christ. The misunderstanding comes because unlike most Christian faiths we believe that God, Christ and the Holy Ghost are seperate beings. But we do believe in all three of them.

2-Mormons have their own bible- We use the King James version of the bible. In addition to that we have what is called the Book of Mormon (which is why we are called Mormons). The Book of Mormon begins in Jerusalem where a man named Lehi and his family were commanded to leave. They built boats and sail to the Americas. When Christ was resurrected he visited his disciples, but after that he came to the Americas.   John 10:16 says “And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd.”

It makes sense to me that Christ visited the people on the other side of the world. He loved them too. But like I said, the Book of Mormon is IN ADDITION to the bible.

3-Mormons worship some guy named Joseph Smith- When Joseph Smith was a 14 year old boy he read the words in James 1:5 which read “if any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God…” Joseph went out to a clearing in front of his house and prayed to know which church was the true church. He then saw a pillar of light and two figure standing before him. They introduced themselves as God the father and the son Jesus Christ. They told him that none of the churches were true. A few years later Joseph was lead to find the plates which the Book of Mormon was written upon and he was given the power to translate the book.

We believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet. We believe that God has given us prophets to continue to recieve revelations today. The current prophet, Gordon B. Hinkley, tells us what we need to do to prepare ourselves and to better ourselves. We don’t worship them, but see them as inspired men who talk to God.

4-Mormons have lots of wives- Polygamy was practiced by the church for 50 years, but it stopped in 1890. A lot of people argue about the reasonings behind this, but I’ll tell you that I believe that at the time polygamy was necessary. The members of the church had been chased from their homes in Illinois and Missouri. They walked across the country, many of them dying along the way. The pioneers made it to the Salt Lake Valley. At the time there was nothing there. For a young woman if you had a big family or if your parents had died along the way, which many of them did, they needed to be married to have someone provide for them. Men who were able took more than one wife in order to provide food and shelter for the women. This was not a practice that was used to make women slaves, no one was forced into anything.

5-Blacks couldn’t be Mormon until the 1970s- Blacks could be members of the church, black men were not able to recieve the priesthood until 1978.

Ever since biblical times, the Lord has designated through His prophets who could receive the priesthood and other blessings of the gospel. Among the tribes of Israel, for example, only men of the tribe of Levi were given the priesthood and allowed to officiate in certain ordinances. Likewise, during the Savior’s earthly ministry, gospel blessings were restricted to the Jews. Only after a revelation to the Apostle Peter were the gospel and priesthood extended to others. In 1978 the prophet at the time, Spencer W. Kimball, received revelation that all worthy men would be able to receive the priesthood.

6- Mormons have horns- seriously… who started this one? Horns?! ha!

7- Mormons aren’t allowed to dance or sing- so wrong! We can dance and sing and are encouraged to do so and develop our talents. Many people think that our religion is really strict and as a result we can’t do anything, this isn’t true. In 1833 Joseph Smith did recieve revelation that is called the Word of Wisdom. In it the Lord revealed what foods and substances are good and bad for our bodies. As a result of the Word of Wisdom we don’t smoke, drink alcohol, tea, or coffee. We are encouraged to eat grains, fruits and vegetables and to eat meat sparingly. This revelation was given over a century before research revealed the dangers of smoking and alochol.

I hope this was informative to anyone who reads this. If you have any questions I’d be happy to answer them. As for Mitt Romney, I wouldn’t worry about his faith when considering him as a candidate. I don’t currently support his candidacy because I don’t feel he has given a real plan of action for Iraq, his faith is not a concern. If you worry about what Mormon politicians are like look at Senate Majority leader Harry Reid of Nevada, a devout Mormon and Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah who is one of Ted Kennedy’s closest friends.

~~Lucy~~

wishing and hoping and praying

I stumbled upon this site today when I was doing some cleaning on my computer and I realized that I have not written on here in months. So I thought I’d post a little update on my life.

I survived the end of last semester and even managed to get decent grades. This was a little difficult though seeing as I met this incredible guy the last month of school. At first I was not interested in him, but he was pretty head over heels for me.  I don’t say that to brag, but it’s a fact. All of his friends knew he was crazy about me and it was with their encouragement that he asked me out.

For the first couple of weeks I played along because his friends were great and much more exciting than my catatonic-anti-sosh roomates. But then one crazy night I found myself on a couch talking with him. We talked for 8 hours. I found myself telling him things I’d never told anyone before,  and he opened up to me. It was one of those conversations that you never forget, but could never fully explain to anyone else. It was so private, so personal… By the time we were done talking (9:30 am) I’d found myself in his arms. A sweet kiss good morning and I was on my way back to my apartment on a cloud.

We spent the next week taking finals and spending each moment possible with eachother. We went on some of the most amazing dates and I fell hard for him.

Then we both moved home for the summer.

He lived an hour from me, but we made it work. We took turns seeing eachother and meeting in the middle. We talked constantly while we worked. It was an unforgettable summer, like the ones people write songs about. We fell deeper and deeper in love. I moved back up to school in August, but he got ready for another adventure.

He decided he wanted to serve a mission for our church. He’s in South Africa for 2 years. He can e-mail me once a week and he can write me letters, but that’s it. He does get to call home twice a year (Christmas and Mother’s day) but I’m not sure if his family wants me to be present for that yet.

Before he left we talked about ending things, but I couldn’t do it, and apparantly neither could he. So we didn’t end it. I send him a letter faithfully each week. A lot of people don’t understand why I do it. Why I choose to feel such pain and loneliness… but it’s love. I don’t think there is another choice. I want to marry this guy. He’s smart and he’s not threatened by my intelligence either. We can honestly talk about ANYTHING. This is a new experience for me, usually guys are too intimidated by my large vocabulary and my ability to win any argument.

So I go out on dates when guys ask me, which has been pretty often this semester. I’m open to the idea of loving other people, but so far no one has even tempted me. I don’t think there is room in my heart for another. 2 years is a long time though, this week will be 3 months since he left. I can’t promise I’ll feel this way for him in 21 months.

I asked him if he wanted to know if I dated and what was going on with me there, and he told me no. He asked me to let him know if I got engaged or something so he could try to forget me. If for anyother reason I decide to end it he asked me to simply send him a blank piece of paper. No explanation would be necessary.

I don’t on sending that blank piece of paper or a wedding announcement. I plan on being right here when he gets home.

 so this is love… it’s not easy, but I know it’s worth it.

~~Lucy~~

I have the flu and it is miserable. 

I never just get sick and get over it. That would be far too easy, no instead I get sick and stay that way for months. Not all the same sickness, no, it’s always different things.

My latest illness, the flu, is not the first thing to hit me. First I got food poisoning. This pretty much took all of the energy I had and threw it out the window. After a weekend on the couch I was no longer “sick” but was still exhausted. I’m in college and so there was no time for me to sleep and rest up. I was already behind on my massive to do list.

A few days with less than 5 hours of sleep gave me some pretty nasty headaches. Although I felt miserable, again no time for sleep I’m in college.

This week was midterms and to my delight the headeaches disapeared. But then I came down with the flu. This is a really nasty flu. The kind that makes every muscle in your body feel like it was tied into a knot and then beaten with a hammer. And the cough that comes with it is awful. When I cough in public people look at me like I’m going to die any second.

So here I sit. Aching, coughing, sneezing, and shaking the day away.

~~Lucy~~

stuck in a moment

I am not fat.

There I said it. I do not think that I am fat. and why is that such a big deal? It seems like I’m surrounded by people who think that they are fat. They talk about it all the time. They say things like “I ate 3 hershey kisses today, ugh I am SO fat!” meanwhile I am stuffing down my umpteenth Dorito and sipping at a Cherry Coke (not diet).

What am I supposed to say? I find the whole situation uber annoying. I mean if I say “no you are not fat” I get launched into a 45 minute analysis of what they’ve eaten in the past 24 hours followed by a 2 hour discussion of how their metabolism works and all the various fluxuations they have seen in their weight. Kill me now. I mean it.

That simple three letter word, “fat” is the most fatal word to conversations. I’ve found the only way to get out of listening to someone drone on about their newest diet is to simply say “I’m the fat one. Look at me, these pants barely fit.” Something like that shuts them up quickly, no one wants to talk about someone else’s diet. So a new topic is found.

The problem is, I really don’t think I’m fat. I don’t say that to rub it in to anyone who is fat. It’s a fact, I am not overweight. That’s not to say I have the perfect body, not even close. But I don’t need to bore you with the details of my imperfections. I’m comfortable with my body and that’s all that really matters.

I just hate that I have to lie to people. That I have to feign self-deprecation, and what’s worse is that it is so easily bought. People have no problem with others putting themselves down.

I can tell people I’m fat or that I just gained a dress size and it seems to be normal. If, however, I announced that I fit into a size 6 jeans without a problem and I feel really good about the 5 pounds I just lost, I get glares– murderous glares.

It’s really a shame. Can you imagine a society where we all had self-esteem? Where we could celebrate the small victories and not feel like in some weird way we were putting someone else down. I guess that world could exist, but a new trendy diet sweeping the nation every week and magazines highlighting the world’s obsession with weight, I don’t see it happening.

I guess for now I can just keep pretending that I am fat. That I hate the way I look. Because it is a lot easier than listening to hours of diet and exercise stories.

~~Lucy~~

What a perfect way to waste a day

I have no less than 40 things to do today. I should be working quickly and efficiently so that I can get my massive to do list done. But let’s be honest, I don’t feel like it. I slept through my alarm, waking up late I decided to just skip class today. I have too much to do, so missing yoga isn’t a big deal. Of course instead of showering and getting ready, I proceeded to lay in bed for 3 hours and read a book my sister recommended to me. It was a great book and I am now anxious to visit her and get the sequel.

While lying in bed, wasting the day, I told myself “Self, if you are going to lay in bed and finish this book you are going to have to bust your butt to get everything done today. So finish before noon and get going!” Well I did finish before noon, but rather than get going, I put on my sweats and flipped open my laptop. I’m sure many of you are familiar with the many distractions a computer can hold. I of course had to check my myspace, facebook, xanga and my three e-mail accounts. I know you are probably thinking what a waste of time. All of those unnecessary wastes of time. And you are right. But I can’t escape their allure.

Of course I needed to check my wordpress account and while sitting here I decided why not write about my utter laziness. I really feel like a sloth today. In all fairness I spent the weekend sick with food poisoning, so I think I’ve earned a do-nothing-day. Unfortunatly the rest of the world doesn’t care. I’m so tempted right now to go back to bed and tell everyone to leave me alone. But that would be bad, wouldn’t it? I keep telling myself to close all the stupid websites and start checking things off my list.

I really do make lists, I make them on my computer now. Notepad is the easiest program to use, I don’t get the satisfaction of the checkmark, but deleting something is nearly as exciting. I used to make lists in my notebooks, hundreds of sheets of paper have been wasted on my to do lists. I usually stuck to the traditional check mark to signify a completed task, but on especially busy days crossing it out til it could no longer be read was so satisfying.

In junior high I liked letting everyone know just how busy I was. I would make lists on my hand, my reasoning was that it was more convenient than paper. I’d write all over my left hand/arm. Making lists of every thing I needed to do, sometimes adding unnecessary things so that I would seem just that busy. People often wished me good luck. I loved that they noticed. Of course the end of every list included WH (wash hand) Nothing is more embarassing than showing up to school with part of yesterday’s list still on my hand. I gave up on the hand lists when I realized how raw and red it was becoming.

The clock is ticking away and my list is no shorter, in fact in the past 10 minutes 5 things have been added to the already monstrous list. To make myself feel better I just added to my list “waste 20 minutes venting my laziness on the internet” and now I am checking it off.

~~Lucy~~

say that you love me

I’m 18 years old and I’ve never been in love. It doesn’t sound so bad. I mean 18 is so young, but it’s hard to see it that way when everyone around you is happily in love. This is not to say that I’ve never liked guys. I have liked plenty of guys. I’ve just never really had a boyfriend before, the closest I’ve come is a guy asking me out on instant messenger, he took me to wendy’s the next day and bought me a frosty, then that night (less than 24 hours from the time he asked me out) he told me it wasn’t working (of course he told me this on instant messaging) yes I know, that is incredibly pathetic. I was in high school. I thought things would change in college. That magically I would be one of those girls who had a date every weekend or found herself a nice boyfriend. but alas, no such luck. And all of my media input is not helping the situation. I now define myself by the movies/books I’ve watched/read…

Basically I am an Elizabeth Bennet – Angela Chase – Anne Shirley – Lexie MacDonald – Veronica Mars girl

Waiting for my Mr. Darcy – Jordan Catalano – Gilbert Blythe – Arcie MacDonald – Logan Echols guy

It seems like I am always waiting. Waiting for someone to find me or notice me or chase after me. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of pretending like my love story is an eventuality. What if I never find love? Not to sound hopeless, because I’m not hopeless, I’m just tired of thinking in terms of “when I get married” or “or my husband will be…” Because what if I don’t get married. And I’m forever trapped in this world of waiting. My life shouldn’t begin with a boy. It should have begun years ago. I don’t want to close myself off to the possibility of love, but I definitely don’t want to sit here feigning patience.

I know, I know, I’m only 18. To most of you this probably sounds petty and whiny. And to some degree it is. But this is my life and I’m sick of pretending I like it like this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still waiting for my “Mr. Darcy – Jordan Catalano – Gilbert Blythe – Archie MacDonald – Logan Echolls…. but if he doesn’t show, I need to learn to be ok with that.

Ignorance is ignorant

Today I had the “joy” of taking my car into the shop. Doesn’t it just make your day when your car decides to hate you. Anyway I go into the shop and I’m filling out some information sheet when this frizzy woman comes in. She starts to talk to the woman working behind the desk. The frizzy woman started talking about all the recalls on her car and how frusterating it is. After a few minutes of discussing the problems with her car she starts to talk about the paint. “The paint is horrible quality. I know that it is because of the immigrant workers.”

I was shocked. Who says that? I mean I know people make those comments, but this really bothered me. Something as trivial as the quality of her paint job was being blamed on immigrants? The woman behind the desk calm and cool said, “Is that what you think the problem is?” The frizzy woman nodded in agreement, the woman behind the desk continued, “Really? I think it is because at the time your car was made the EPA imposed high restrictions on what chemicals could be used and the paint suffered as a result.”

The frizzy woman stuttered “um oh ya that sounds right” HA. She looked like an idiot, which is what she deserved. I, like many Americans, am frusterated with the current immigration problems, but I would never say something offensive about one of them. They are people too. I just wish there was an easier way for them to legally enter our country.

~~Lucy~~

Unfortunate Evening

I arrived home today and found my roomate scrubbing our kitchen. Our apartment was on its way to being absolutely spotless. When I asked her about it she informed me that we were having a dinner party. She is what I like to call an anti-sosh: one who never likes to interact with other people if they can help it. I was pretty shocked by the announcement but decided to go along with it. It turns out she had gone so far as to invite a guy that she went on a date with once, they lost touch, but recently ran into one another. So anyway she goes all out for the dinner. Lasagna, salad, bread– the whole shabang. So everyone arrives, about 10 in all. We ate, we talked. I enjoyed myself. At the end of the night I realized that my roomate failed to say more than 3 words to this special guy the entire evening. After all of that work.

I’m sorry but in my mind, that is crazy. Trust me if I do something like that for a guy, I would definitely talk to him! It was very strange of my roomate to go to all the trouble, for nothing. What a waste. I’m far too practical for that. I say, do something simple, or go to the trouble and talk to him!!!!

~~Lucy~~

Welcome; Political Issues

I write this knowing that probably no one will ever read it. I know that is a cliche line taken from Anne Frank’s Diary. Many people write that hoping that really it will become a best selling novel and play. Not me. I don’t care if someone reads this. It is for me. If you read it, then congrats, I hope you enjoy it. Let’s be honest though, you don’t know me and I don’t know you. Let’s keep it that way.

Ok now that that is out of the way… What is up with our country? Are we seriously considering electing Hilary Clinton to office??? I mean Bush is by no means a great president, but Hilary Clinton? We are talking about the woman who ruined the health care reform in the 90s. The woman who belittled house wives and their cookie making skills. The woman who has been involved in more political scandals than any first lady before her.

I have no problem with a woman being elected president, but let it be a woman who can run the country. She can’t even handle her husband. I’m so annoyed with the Democrats right now. The Republicans have made mistakes. So instead of trying to fix those mistakes, end the war, fix social security, stop the immigration problems the Democrats are opting to do nothing for 2 years to see just how big of a mess things can become so that we will all need to vote for them in the election. What a stupid idea. I mean honestly, why would I want to vote for someone who allowed our country to get worse for 2 years just so they would have a job.

I’m ready for a new party to arise. Not the Green party, nor the Constitutional party. Give me a nice MODERATE party. Someone I can vote for without thinking “I just threw my vote away!” We need to find a middle ground, not explore the extremes. Hilary Clinton is so polarizing and so is John McCain. Give me someone in the middle who I can have some faith in.

Wait, who am I kidding, faith in our political system? Ya right.

~~Lucy~~