stuck in a moment

I am not fat.

There I said it. I do not think that I am fat. and why is that such a big deal? It seems like I’m surrounded by people who think that they are fat. They talk about it all the time. They say things like “I ate 3 hershey kisses today, ugh I am SO fat!” meanwhile I am stuffing down my umpteenth Dorito and sipping at a Cherry Coke (not diet).

What am I supposed to say? I find the whole situation uber annoying. I mean if I say “no you are not fat” I get launched into a 45 minute analysis of what they’ve eaten in the past 24 hours followed by a 2 hour discussion of how their metabolism works and all the various fluxuations they have seen in their weight. Kill me now. I mean it.

That simple three letter word, “fat” is the most fatal word to conversations. I’ve found the only way to get out of listening to someone drone on about their newest diet is to simply say “I’m the fat one. Look at me, these pants barely fit.” Something like that shuts them up quickly, no one wants to talk about someone else’s diet. So a new topic is found.

The problem is, I really don’t think I’m fat. I don’t say that to rub it in to anyone who is fat. It’s a fact, I am not overweight. That’s not to say I have the perfect body, not even close. But I don’t need to bore you with the details of my imperfections. I’m comfortable with my body and that’s all that really matters.

I just hate that I have to lie to people. That I have to feign self-deprecation, and what’s worse is that it is so easily bought. People have no problem with others putting themselves down.

I can tell people I’m fat or that I just gained a dress size and it seems to be normal. If, however, I announced that I fit into a size 6 jeans without a problem and I feel really good about the 5 pounds I just lost, I get glares– murderous glares.

It’s really a shame. Can you imagine a society where we all had self-esteem? Where we could celebrate the small victories and not feel like in some weird way we were putting someone else down. I guess that world could exist, but a new trendy diet sweeping the nation every week and magazines highlighting the world’s obsession with weight, I don’t see it happening.

I guess for now I can just keep pretending that I am fat. That I hate the way I look. Because it is a lot easier than listening to hours of diet and exercise stories.

~~Lucy~~

What a perfect way to waste a day

I have no less than 40 things to do today. I should be working quickly and efficiently so that I can get my massive to do list done. But let’s be honest, I don’t feel like it. I slept through my alarm, waking up late I decided to just skip class today. I have too much to do, so missing yoga isn’t a big deal. Of course instead of showering and getting ready, I proceeded to lay in bed for 3 hours and read a book my sister recommended to me. It was a great book and I am now anxious to visit her and get the sequel.

While lying in bed, wasting the day, I told myself “Self, if you are going to lay in bed and finish this book you are going to have to bust your butt to get everything done today. So finish before noon and get going!” Well I did finish before noon, but rather than get going, I put on my sweats and flipped open my laptop. I’m sure many of you are familiar with the many distractions a computer can hold. I of course had to check my myspace, facebook, xanga and my three e-mail accounts. I know you are probably thinking what a waste of time. All of those unnecessary wastes of time. And you are right. But I can’t escape their allure.

Of course I needed to check my wordpress account and while sitting here I decided why not write about my utter laziness. I really feel like a sloth today. In all fairness I spent the weekend sick with food poisoning, so I think I’ve earned a do-nothing-day. Unfortunatly the rest of the world doesn’t care. I’m so tempted right now to go back to bed and tell everyone to leave me alone. But that would be bad, wouldn’t it? I keep telling myself to close all the stupid websites and start checking things off my list.

I really do make lists, I make them on my computer now. Notepad is the easiest program to use, I don’t get the satisfaction of the checkmark, but deleting something is nearly as exciting. I used to make lists in my notebooks, hundreds of sheets of paper have been wasted on my to do lists. I usually stuck to the traditional check mark to signify a completed task, but on especially busy days crossing it out til it could no longer be read was so satisfying.

In junior high I liked letting everyone know just how busy I was. I would make lists on my hand, my reasoning was that it was more convenient than paper. I’d write all over my left hand/arm. Making lists of every thing I needed to do, sometimes adding unnecessary things so that I would seem just that busy. People often wished me good luck. I loved that they noticed. Of course the end of every list included WH (wash hand) Nothing is more embarassing than showing up to school with part of yesterday’s list still on my hand. I gave up on the hand lists when I realized how raw and red it was becoming.

The clock is ticking away and my list is no shorter, in fact in the past 10 minutes 5 things have been added to the already monstrous list. To make myself feel better I just added to my list “waste 20 minutes venting my laziness on the internet” and now I am checking it off.

~~Lucy~~

say that you love me

I’m 18 years old and I’ve never been in love. It doesn’t sound so bad. I mean 18 is so young, but it’s hard to see it that way when everyone around you is happily in love. This is not to say that I’ve never liked guys. I have liked plenty of guys. I’ve just never really had a boyfriend before, the closest I’ve come is a guy asking me out on instant messenger, he took me to wendy’s the next day and bought me a frosty, then that night (less than 24 hours from the time he asked me out) he told me it wasn’t working (of course he told me this on instant messaging) yes I know, that is incredibly pathetic. I was in high school. I thought things would change in college. That magically I would be one of those girls who had a date every weekend or found herself a nice boyfriend. but alas, no such luck. And all of my media input is not helping the situation. I now define myself by the movies/books I’ve watched/read…

Basically I am an Elizabeth Bennet – Angela Chase – Anne Shirley – Lexie MacDonald – Veronica Mars girl

Waiting for my Mr. Darcy – Jordan Catalano – Gilbert Blythe – Arcie MacDonald – Logan Echols guy

It seems like I am always waiting. Waiting for someone to find me or notice me or chase after me. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of pretending like my love story is an eventuality. What if I never find love? Not to sound hopeless, because I’m not hopeless, I’m just tired of thinking in terms of “when I get married” or “or my husband will be…” Because what if I don’t get married. And I’m forever trapped in this world of waiting. My life shouldn’t begin with a boy. It should have begun years ago. I don’t want to close myself off to the possibility of love, but I definitely don’t want to sit here feigning patience.

I know, I know, I’m only 18. To most of you this probably sounds petty and whiny. And to some degree it is. But this is my life and I’m sick of pretending I like it like this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still waiting for my “Mr. Darcy – Jordan Catalano – Gilbert Blythe – Archie MacDonald – Logan Echolls…. but if he doesn’t show, I need to learn to be ok with that.