say that you love me

I’m 18 years old and I’ve never been in love. It doesn’t sound so bad. I mean 18 is so young, but it’s hard to see it that way when everyone around you is happily in love. This is not to say that I’ve never liked guys. I have liked plenty of guys. I’ve just never really had a boyfriend before, the closest I’ve come is a guy asking me out on instant messenger, he took me to wendy’s the next day and bought me a frosty, then that night (less than 24 hours from the time he asked me out) he told me it wasn’t working (of course he told me this on instant messaging) yes I know, that is incredibly pathetic. I was in high school. I thought things would change in college. That magically I would be one of those girls who had a date every weekend or found herself a nice boyfriend. but alas, no such luck. And all of my media input is not helping the situation. I now define myself by the movies/books I’ve watched/read…

Basically I am an Elizabeth Bennet – Angela Chase – Anne Shirley – Lexie MacDonald – Veronica Mars girl

Waiting for my Mr. Darcy – Jordan Catalano – Gilbert Blythe – Arcie MacDonald – Logan Echols guy

It seems like I am always waiting. Waiting for someone to find me or notice me or chase after me. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of pretending like my love story is an eventuality. What if I never find love? Not to sound hopeless, because I’m not hopeless, I’m just tired of thinking in terms of “when I get married” or “or my husband will be…” Because what if I don’t get married. And I’m forever trapped in this world of waiting. My life shouldn’t begin with a boy. It should have begun years ago. I don’t want to close myself off to the possibility of love, but I definitely don’t want to sit here feigning patience.

I know, I know, I’m only 18. To most of you this probably sounds petty and whiny. And to some degree it is. But this is my life and I’m sick of pretending I like it like this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still waiting for my “Mr. Darcy – Jordan Catalano – Gilbert Blythe – Archie MacDonald – Logan Echolls…. but if he doesn’t show, I need to learn to be ok with that.